A Female Guide to Online Dating Without the Rose Colored Glasses
Not getting the results you want with online dating? Need to jumpstart your dating mojo? Check out my guide to better dating experiences and attracting the kind of people you wish to form relationships with.
With over 10 years of online dating under my belt, I have become an expert on relationships and giving advice on how to successfully date.
Rule 1: Honesty on the web.
It’s important to remember that the men you are meeting are in fact strangers, no matter how much time you use talking to them via email, chat or by phone. And, until you meet in person and use many months of together time, they are nevertheless strangers who may be lying and not being completely truthful about any number of things. These things may include: age, marital position, physical turn up, personality traits, lifestyle, values, etc. Because of this, I always encourage my readers to take what is said with a grain of salt until you can verify the facts for yourself by in person time spent together.
Just as important as watching for their honesty is making sure you are honest about yourself too. Don’t lie about your age, looks, interests or lifestyle. Use a current picture of yourself or update your old one. That is the #1 turn off to men because they want to meet the real person that they have been talking to. Don’t transform yourself into something you are not. If you are not honest with them, you may kill a possible relationship from already starting. Don’t be afraid of being yourself. You are a fun person worth getting to know. If they don’t like who you really are, then they are not for you and you can move on to someone who likes you just the way you are. (And those men ARE out there!)
Rule 2: Be selective with providing your personal information
Do not provide a last name, home or work address until you have gotten to know him better and can be sure he is trustworthy. And, use a different email address for people you meet by dating sites or chatrooms specifically for those types of interactions.
Rule 3: Meet in a public place
When you meet, always meet in a public place and tell friends and family where you will be. Always have your own form of transportation to and from the location. Do not meet for the first time for drinks which can severely impair your judgment and create an unsafe situation. And remember, dress nice but appropriately, and smile. Enjoy yourself!
Rule 4: Pay attention to the details.
How much about him and his life do you really know? Ask questions and always pay attention to any inconsistencies or story changes. If a person claims to be single, then watch out for signs that confirm or negate this. Do they provide a cell phone or a home number? Usually, a person who will not provide a home number is withholding it for a reason, such as having a live in partner or girl/boyfriend who visits or stays over often.
Do you know where they work? Can you visit them at their home? If they only want to meet you at your place or in a social setting, then that’s a clear indication that they are not single.
Rule 5: Protect yourself emotionally
So often, I meet people who allow themselves to get emotionally attached to an online guy/girl before meeting them and I cannot stress enough how dangerous that can be. First of all, this person may not be who they claim to be in their picture or emails. already if they are genuine, their online personality may be different than the one you meet in person. It’s really easy to get carried away by words promising a future of a relationship, just to meet and have the person not be ready to deliver on the intensity of those emotions. So, please take things slowly and get to know them in person before developing too strong of an attachment.
Dating is a risk. Some dates will rule to relationships and others will not due to without of physical chemistry or other incompatibilities. It’s all part of the experience. And, by not getting too attached in the beginning, you don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
Rule 6: Date with integrity
Women ask how to enhance their chances of having more successful dates and I always say to date with integrity. It starts with self-love and knowing that you are important enough to be treated like a princess. Believe that about yourself and you will be well on your way to attracting better guys. Never accept dates from men who are married or in another relationship. This typically goes without saying but I can’t begin to tell you how many women think that he will leave his meaningful other for her or that stay with a man already after he has lied to her about being single. None of these scenarios ever works out well and rule to a waste of your time where you could be meeting a guy who will make you the romantic priority.
Rule 7: Watch out for premature sexual intimacy
The majority of men report that women who sleep with them on the first date or really early on in the dating course of action are not women that they typically want to form lasting relationships with. It does not make them feel special since it was too easily attained. Men like the excitement of the hunt, or chase, if you will. They like what they must work at to reach. As such, it is in your favor to wait a while until you are certain there is a real relationship here before moving into sexual intimacy. Sexual intimacy too soon into the dating course of action speeds up the development of feelings and attachment when no relationship may have been produced however. You are worth the wait and if he is the right guy for you, he will respect that. If you take your time before getting too physical, you can confirm that he is sticking around for the right reasons and not just a booty call.
Rule 8: Long distance relationships
There are many success stories of people meeting on the web who live far apart that have worked out. However, to be safe and create a more obtain dating experience, it’s best to meet people who live in your area. First of all, you get to see them more often which creates a deeper bond. Secondly, you can verify their information to see that they are in fact what they claim to be. Thirdly, you will be incurring more expense to continue this kind of relationship by having to finance trips to see him, the long distance phone bills, etc.
Often the distance and inability to see each other frequently leads to the person either not wanting to invest too much time in a relationship or they may already meet someone closer to them in the interim. At some point, if you decide to nevertheless get involved in this kind of relationship, one of you will have to move to make it work or it ends due to the hardships that come with the distance. So, to avoid all of that, stick with dating in your area. It will ultimately be easier on your pocketbook and heart.
Rule 9: Watch out for signs of abuse or addictions
Whether it’s a temper, violence, jealousy, control issues, verbal abuse, drinking or drugs, please watch for signs of issues in the guy that may rule to a toxic relationship. Don’t think you can change him if he displays any signs of abuse. Just walk away and don’t look back. If he is condescending, puts you down, or does not take your feelings into account, then he is not the right guy for you.
Rule 10: continue your individuality
First things first, make sure you are really ready to begin dating and not just looking for someone to complete or fulfill a void in your life. Men are attracted to women who are happy, independent and have outside interests.
Make sure that when you are initially dating, that you continue your boundaries by not smothering and over-calling. Let things develop slowly. continue your individuality and independence by continuing to use time with your friends, and are involved in the interests and hobbies that were a part of your life before he entered the picture. People can be scared off by too much attention or creating a situation where you drop all of your outside interests just to use all of your time with him. Remember, men can come and go, but friends and the interests that made you the person that you are today will be there to stay. Don’t alienate your friends and family when you are dating. You’ll need to continue your lifeline to these people and activities for sustain should the relationship not work out.
Rule 11: Premature declarations of love
True love takes time to develop, often many months to already a year. So, be cautious of any guy who tells you they love you from the very beginning. They may be desperate just to have any relationship or may be a player who throws the words around without really meaning them.
Rule 12: Protect your assets
Never EVER give out your bank account information, debit card or give money to someone you barely know or have been dating for a short period of time. Don’t buy them expensive gifts, give them cellphones or put their bills in your name. You are not their mommy or sugar mamma and they should be supporting themselves. If they ask you for any of these things, run, don’t walk to the nearest exit.
Rule 13: Keep your skeletons in the closet
When you first get to know someone, it’s easy to want to spill the beans about your past, your exes, and everything in between. Keep it light and fun. Talk about your hobbies, interests, events you’ve participated in and your positive traits. If he is worth getting to know and forming a relationship with, then he will be around to hear all of your not so great stories. Some men are scared off by too much emotional baggage in the beginning. So, keep up off on the drama and heart to hearts. They are not interested in hearing why your last relationship hit the skids or why you have trust issues. Stick with the positives about your life and then after meeting and spending time together, if he is interested, the mysteries of what makes you you will unfold in time. Plus, it’s more interesting that way, don’t you think?
Rule 14: Dating behavior
Last minute dates: Never accept dates at the last minute. If a guy asks you out at the last minute, have the self-confidence to say that you already have plans and would love to take a raincheck. It will show the guy that your time is valuable and if they want to use it with you, they have to make plans in improvement.
Being on time: If he is continuously late in picking you up, then that is a form of disrespect and tell him so. If he doesn’t change, drop him like a hot potato.
Going dutch: Never go dutch. I feel that if a guy asks you out, that he should be the one to pay. If he doesn’t, kick him to the curb because he’s too cheap to be a good candidate for a real relationship.
Courting Details: Pay attention to the ways in which he courts you. Does he bring flowers, leave you nice notes or emails? How does he go out of his way to make you feel special? Is the attention he gives you continued or occasional? Does he follow by on set plans and phone calls? Is the effort to invest time and attention to the relationship mutual? Or do you find yourself doing most of the work to plan the dates or see him? If his behavior is flaky or lacking special treatment from the get go, it is a clear indicator of what you can expect from him in the future.
Most men are on their best behavior during the first few months of dating. It is after the “honeymoon phase” is over and the newness of being with you wears off that you really see his true colors and whether he has the staying strength to really make you happy in a long term relationship.
Incorporating you into his life: Another important aspect worth discussing is the effort made to progress the relationship to the next level. Does he take the time to incorporate you into his life? Have you met his friends and family? If he does not return your calls for a few days, does not introduce you to the people in his life, makes excuses to see you frequently or disappears, really estimate what you are doing with a guy like that. He may not be as into you as you think. Bottom line is, he is not putting you first and you need to put yourself first by moving on to someone who will.
Rule 15: Know when to cut your losses and move on
A date can appear to be going extremely well but then you don’t get the call back. Or, you may go on a few dates for already a few weeks and then the guy pulls the old disappearing act or says he does not want to see you anymore. Leaves you confused and frustrated right? That’s why it’s important to read rule #5 where I discuss protecting yourself from getting too attached too soon emotionally. There could be any number of reasons why the dating relationship does not progress. Some of these include him not being ready for a commitment, is scared of getting too close to anyone, is going by a rebound period from a recent relationship, is a player who dates many women, got back together with an ex, realized that you two are not as compatible as he first thought and too many others to name in this article. No matter what the reason, realize that this will happen and not to let it break you or make you stop trying to date new people. It is just the time of action we must all go by that will ultimately rule us to the right person for ourselves.
By the same token, if you realize that a dating relationship is not going in the direction that you would like, don’t keep wasting your time trying to force something that is not there. If he tells you he only wants something casual and you want something exclusive or long term, don’t keep seeing him, calling him or prolonging a situation that is not conducive to your happiness. Giving him time is not going to change a man who knows early on he does not want to invest in you. So, start investing in yourself. Learn to cut your losses and move on to new people that can meet your needs. Life is too short to settle. Remember, no one is going to look out for your needs as good as you will. Go for the gusto and be more proactive in creating the romantic life you seek by being selective in who you date, how you are treated and estimate where it is ultimately going.
Rule 16: Trust your intuition
No matter what, always trust your instincts. You were born with them for a reason. If something does feel right, there is usually a reason. Be good to yourself and take your time with the dating course of action. You will know what feels right to you and who you click with if you listen to your inner voice of reason. Also, don’t neglect the advice and insights of friends and family either. They may see an aspect of that person that you may not because you are too involved in the relationship.
Rule 17: Our thoughts shape our reality
Ever heard the expression, you get what you send out? Well, it’s true. To attract great people into our lives, we must be healthy within and without. We must love ourselves more than we love anyone else and believe that we deserve the best. We must also not accept bad behavior or disrespect on any level. When we focus our thoughts on what we want, instead of what we do not, we send out a message to the Universe that we are ready for true change on a soul level.
Many women attract relationship patterns because of lessons they have not learned from the past relationship or are attracting to their life something that they without in themselves. Do the self-work to become happy with yourself and then begin to seek out new relationships. If you need to get some therapy before jumping back into the dating scene to help you move on from an issue or blockage, then do so. Learn from past experiences so that you grow stronger and learn what to look out for and avoid in your future.
Put your best foot forward by knowing who you are and letting that wonderful person shine by. At the end of the day, you are the greatest prize and the right guy will treat you the way you think you deserve to be treated.